If I had to slap a label on myself …

Another excerpt from a note to a friend in Melbourne (is it opportunistic of me to copy fragments of emails?!):

— Things are finally calming down (including me), and I have a little space and time to write to all the people I care for, and who have compelling questions … questions I have been avoiding, I might add!

Do I follow a particular faith or is my interest in comparative religion more of an exploratory or academic endeavor? Though I attended a fair number of Christian summer camps as a child (even then I thought, “Why would a loving God punish his people? I think Jesus is already in my heart. I don’t get it!”) and went through a phase of guardian angel zealotry when my parents were going through a divorce, I’ve never been religious, per se. I have, however, always been “spiritual,” meaning that I have always believed in something deeper and wider and grander than that which my mind can grasp and hold—something defined by mystery and magic.

If I had to slap a label on myself, it might read: “Once enchanted, still idealistic, left-leaning female animist-naturalist-humanist-lover-poet-Sufi.” I believe, quite simply, in Love and Nature; I believe in the sacred sap and flow between all living, breathing, animated life. Yes, that is the simple version. The truth is, I am hugely uncertain, and cannot decide if this is rooted in avoidance or a respect for ambiguity and mystery.

My mom grew up in a Catholic family and under the tutelage of uptight nuns, and used to have a little spice pot on the stove labeled “Catholic Guilt,” which made me laugh and cringe. I can see why you say you’re “better now.” Like you, I would guess that many, if not most, people are in it for the community … and for the safety of knowing what one should believe and think and do … religion is an antidote to existential angst, no?

I don’t know anymore, and I don’t know that I ever have known what religion is and why it is at the root of so much beauty and pain. More than anything, I find virtue in the religious impulse, the desire and need to surrender oneself, to give up one’s ego projects and illusions of control. Rather than asking “Are you religious?” I am inclined to ask, “In what way are you religious? What brings you to your knees?”

I agree that being religious is as much about culture as religion, I do, but I also feel a bit frustrated with this as it seems to cause a hell of a lot of problems—problems related to identity more than divinity.

You must read Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger; it is a fine commentary on what it means—really means—to be Christian, to have a Christ-like approach, a Christ-like heart.

The fire and brimstone stuff doesn’t sit well for me either … and while I also find the Eastern wisdom more amenable to how I think, I struggle with certain aspects of it, namely karma as justification for injustice (this is not everyone’s approach, of course) and the ideal of cool-hearted non-attachment, which I see virtue in but which does not seem indigenous to my wooly, Sufi heart. The Sufis believe that falling in Love—with the Beloved, with God—is the most religious act/process; I do too. My problem is that I get stuck in thinking about God instead of loving God, plain and simple.

As you can see, I am still very much in the process of answering your questions—and will be for awhile.

But I appreciate the invitation to engage and articulate such things.

What about you? Fill me in! Tell me more! “Curious to know how you feel about these issues?”